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old-man-laughing

 

 

We’ve compiled a list of jokes that you have sent in, some are good and some are positively shocking. So if you’re working this weekend these will hopefully make you feel better.

 

Have you heard my under construction joke? It’s not done yet.

 

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.

 

I just met someone who was a steam-roller operator. He was such a flatterer.

 

I went to Millets and said ‘I want to buy a tent.’ He said ‘To camp?’, I said [butchly] ‘Sorry, I want to buy a tent.’ I said ‘I also want to buy a caravan.’ He said ‘Camper?’ I said [campily] ‘Make your mind up.’

 

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?”

 

“So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’

 

“I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you’re up there….”

 

“Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.”

 

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.