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Paddy Malone asks;

Big viv, heard you was hung like an ant?

Big Viv says;

Well Paddy, I heard you was not good at telling the difference between a question and a statement. But in response to your questatement, you heard correct I am hung like an ant. But if you weren’t dumber than a labourer you would probably have watched my close friend David Attenbrother from another mother on the TV and seen that ants have an impressive schlong to body ratio, I think it was 2:1 being 2 part body to 1 part schlong. So I wish to thank you for the compliment and ask you continue to spread this rumour.


Steve Sima asks;

Dear Big Viv, whats the best way to get white silicone out of pubic hair?

Big Viv says;

Steve, I don’t want to know why this has happened but you have two options. Word on the street is rubbing in large amounts of deep heat sports cream is the best way to remove it, I have been told you need to massage it in for a few minutes to work. Or secondly just save the little white curlys off, some people are a little apprehensive about going the bald eagle, but at least you can pick up chicks by asking if they want to see you new pet baby mole rat. Now steve, get in there and grab it by the short and curlys.


Stuart Dunsmore asks;

Oiii Big Viv how you meant to fit through a door never mind a scaffolding hatch.

Big Viv says;

Thank you for your concern Stuart but you need not worry as I am no longer required to work on scaffolding and the only door I need to worry about is the bank’s door when I go to collect all the money i get paid from answering your stupid question. So thank you for your question as it has just added a few more zeros to my bank balance.


John Bissett asks;

Big Viv are you always deep in thought?

Big Viv says;

Well Jon let me think about that……………………..
……………………………………………………………………
no. I occasionally have a light ponder and the rare daydream, but I’m not always deep in thought.

If you want to feature on next weeks Big Viv just message us your questions and we’ll pass them on to Big Viv!