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You asked for his advice and he’s delivered it, if you need advice and want to feature on the page message Big Viv through the Facebook page and he’ll get back to you in next weeks column.

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Reece Callow asks;

I have a question… If the Foreign labourer keeps nicking your hop up, and he doesn’t speak a word of English, how many times
do I punch the fucker in order to let him know that the Hop up belongs to me?

Big Viv says;

Reece, talk about first world problems. Please don’t resort to violence, I can understand your frustration but you need to be mindful of the contributions that the foreigners have made to this fair land. We wouldn’t have things like Chinese food, curries, doner kebabs and late night knocking shops. Try talking slow to him using the hop up as a visual aid and if all else fails and he doesn’t get the message, drop a shit in his tool box.

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Keith ‘cheggers’ Howell asks;

I noticed a sparky on site working the other day. Is this reason enough to drug and alcohol test him?

Big Viv says;

Cheggers, danger danger please approach this person with extreme caution I am feeling very uneasy about your situation. I have been fortunate enough to not have to deal with such a problem. The only solution I see would be to get everyone on site to hold a meeting, be careful when you corner a working sparky they can go off like Ronnie Pickering on crack. Sit him down with a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea and softly explain to him that by actually working, the job will get completed on time and he will bring unbalance to the electrical trade. Hopefully all goes well. There is nothing more I can teach you, your training is complete.

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Gillian Reeves asks;

My holes too big for my plug and my shelf is dangling, what should I do?

Big Viv says;

Wow, you really do have a problem there. With your first issue you will need to get a team of tradesmen in to fill your hole and make it more of a tighter fit. I would also wait a little while before trying to plug it on your own again.
As for you second problem you really should be happy with the shelf you have and don’t be so shelfish….get it?

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Frankie Francis asks;

I can’t stop beating my wife up. Help

Big Viv says;

Attention Frankie Francis, please stop what your doing and pay attention. The only person who should be getting beaten is the guy who’s name translates to Frank Frank? The only reason you should be beating your wife is because you managed to find someone who tattooed ‘my wife’ in small writing on your little penis. As your punishment Big Viv is demanding you take your wife out for a romantic dinner followed by a long two minutes of love making for dessert. Or if she would prefer a real man she could always help me erect some scaffolding.

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Daniel Galer asks;

Every time I perfectly level something first time I have to furiously masturbate….how can I stop?

Big Viv says;

Daniel its good to see even after leveling your work you still have time for the little jobs. I don’t really see an issue with a small celebratory tug after a job well done, just as long as you aren’t hanging pictures in a nursing home. There also is the option of allowing some one else to do the leveling so they too can experience a wank worthy job. Best of luck hopefully your work mates can pull together to help you out.

 

 

 

Don’t forget to message Big Viv through the Facebook page to feature on the website!