Jacob Crackers asks;

Viv, if you had 10 cream cakes and you ate 4 how many would you have left?

Big Viv says;

If I had 10 cream cakes and I ate 4, I would have none left because I would have put the other six on the end of my knob and your mother would have gobbled down the lot. I hope this answers your question and from now on you can call me Big stepdad.


John Tullet asks

Dear Viv, if you get an interview with a scaffold firm will you severely blow your chances of getting the job if you are polite and well spoken?

Big Viv says;

I don’t think being well spoken and polite are going to be your issue. The are a few strict requirements You must have more gum than teeth, breath like a dog shit bin, smoke more than you inhale oxygen and be able to hide your benefit payment and wage from the government. Oh and look busy whilst doing f**k all. Good luck with the interview.


Ian Kavanagh asks;

My Mrs asked me to do DIY and I said yeah, but she keeps bringing it up every 6 months… what can I do to stop her constantly going on about it?

Big Viv says;

Ian, I feel your pain. The problem is that modern women are like architects and project managers, they demand job completion in a completely unachievable time scale without having a clue of how it’s actually done. Tell her if she wants it doing to do it herself, like you have to every time she goes to bed and you’re left down stairs watching Babe station.


Joe JB Ellis asks;

Today my impact driver used three batteries, am in working too much on site?

Big Viv says;

Well that really depends on what trade you work in, let’s say you’re a carpenter or dryliner, if that’s the case you’re working at a good pace. If you’re an Electrician or plumber then you’re clearly over doing it, like I said last week this could bring a major unbalance to the trade as most of us know sparkies tend to do f**k all!


Stephen Sugg Iciob asks;

Big viv. The Dryliners are giving me so much shit on site. I never get much time to sit in my site office. What can I do?

Big Viv says;

Stephen, this is actually quite easy. 95% of Dryliners haven’t fully evolved yet, try firing some simple maths and spelling questions at them in a bid to embarrass them in to shutting their mouths. If this fails just throw a hand full of loose change on the floor and watch them scurry around and fight like animals leaving you to get away and go sit in your office.


James Roe asks;

Would you rather eat a vagina flavoured cake or a cake flavoured vagina?

Big Viv says;

Well James, most of us enjoy drinking from the furry cup but I don’t think i’ll ever be ordering a vagina flavoured cake! But if you could invent a way of giving your Missus a cake flavoured vagina without plugging her with a victoria sponge you could be a very rich man.

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